Setting limits is a big part of geek parenting because we’re trying to protect our kids from a world that encourages them to grow up too fast. Setting limits is how we safeguard them from media and pop culture that corrupts their innocence and undermines their wholesomeness. Setting limits also is our avenue to allow for a healthy, appropriate social life while also assuring our children have plenty of family time at home. Limits are an important way we assert our authority as parents, but they also help us to show our children that we love them.
To set limits, we need to use that one little word – only two little letters – that puts a barrier between our children the culture of cool: No.
It’s not easy to say no! For one thing, we often feel we’re the only parents in our child’s social circle who are concerned about certain kinds of media content or who don’t want to provide the social freedom of a cell phone or unfettered internet access. Kids are desperate to fit in and be accepted, but sometimes their ability to feel like part of the crowd means we parents would have to make concessions with which we’re uncomfortable. And of course, we all want our kids to be happy – and we all prefer to avoid repeated showdowns with a child over our decisions. Yet making kids happy in the short-term or avoiding conflict are not the best ways to help our children grow up in today’s world.
The trick to saying no is to make decisions that reflect both our authority as parents and the values we want to teach our children. When we do this, our kids realize that we have the power and responsibility to say no, and that when we do so, it’s out of our desire to do what is best for them.
Once you make a decision that requires the word no, stick to it! No matter how many times a child asks you to reverse yourself, no matter how many other parents make a different decision, no matter how guilty you feel about disappointing your child – stick to it! You’ll discover it gets easier when your child realizes your decisions are final, and you’ll also find that establishing clear limits actually will create more harmony in your home.
Read this excerpt from Bringing Up Geeks to see what I mean…
Saying "no" to media: Parental decisiveness
A waffling and permissive parenting style makes it difficult, if not impossible, to shelter children from the media access they crave. As I discussed early on, without clear parental authority your kids won’t respect your decisions. This is why that authority structure is so crucial. Simply put: It’s hard to say no if you never say no.
But saying “no” is a big part of bringing up geeks, and an essential part of sheltering kids from content that corrupts. At the core of geek parenting is the willingness to take a stand and declare, “This is not good enough for my child.” Yet I’d be remiss if I don’t warn you that this will make your parenting different from the norm. For example, it’s typical for parents to tell me, “I wish I had rules about the computer like yours.” I never know how to answer. What I want to say is, “You’re the grown up, for heaven sake! Make the rules!”
Certainly, reigning in the media habit for kids who are accustomed to unfettered access might be challenging, but I believe it’s entirely possible. Not to oversimplify, but it’s a bit like switching to skim milk. At first, kids think it’s thin and watered down, but eventually, they develop a taste for it. After a while, skim milk is perfectly satisfying, while drinking 2% is like downing a cup of wallpaper paste. In the same way, kids will feel deprived when you begin to limit their time with various media and monitor its content, but over time, they’ll realize there is plenty to enjoy within the framework of your family’s media standards.
Remember, too, that both kids and media are in a constant state of change. As your children grow and mature, your mandates about media will evolve along with them. Rules can change and it’s okay to be flexible. (“No TV on school days” for a young child may become “No TV until homework and chores are done” for a pre-teen.) It’s imperative, though, that you remain inflexible on the standards behind your rules. (“Getting enough sleep on school nights is our first priority; TV and other pastimes mustn’t interfere with adequate rest.”)