These days, the quest to hang with cool kids can promote bad behavior and poor character as children try to secure and maintain their elevated social status. Children need to understand that being cool might force them to choose things that aren’t so good – or good for them.
One reason we need to redefine what’s cool for kids is that our current culture can often lead kids down the wrong path. A few years ago, Yale University released a study that found teens who were considered cool by their peers were more likely to engage in high risk or deviant behaviors (drinking, drug use, teen sex, petty crime, driving infractions) than kids who were considered less cool (read: geeky).
Sadly, studies show that unethical behavior also is considered cool these days. A major survey of teens shows deeply entrenched habits such as stealing, lying and cheating. In fact, the majority of teens admit they cheat regularly in school and a third of teens admit to plagiarizing schoolwork from internet articles.
Exhibiting strong character and ethical behavior can get kids labeled as “geeks.” But when we support kids in their moral and ethical choices, we send a strong message about their good character. And this is the path to genuine self-esteem and long-term success.
Kids who do the right thing in a difficult situation won’t necessarily find themselves at the cool lunch table, but that’s OK. Read this excerpt from Bringing Up Geeks to see what I mean…
Raise A Principled Kid
One evening Betsy was helping me make dinner. She grabbed a knife and an onion and sidled up to the cutting board. “French was interesting today,” she said.
“Well, this kid, Dan, made a really rude comment to my friend Sarah. He pointed to her stomach and said, ‘Sarah, put those rolls away. It’s not time for dinner.’ So I sort of went off on him.”
Ouch. Comments about a teen girl’s physical flaws are off limits. No wonder Betsy got mad. “What do you mean, you ‘went off on him?’” I had visions of Betsy pummeling Dan with an English-to-French dictionary and yelling “ferme-la!”
“I stood up and said, ‘That was a horrible thing to say to a girl. You might think you’re funny, but no body else does. Everyone else thinks you’re rude and mean.’”
“Wow,” I said. I didn’t know whether to be impressed or afraid, but I was glad I wasn’t the onion she was chopping. Recalling the episode had caused her to dice furiously. “What did everyone else do?”
“Nothing. But later in the cafeteria some kids said that was the best French class ever.”
This wasn’t the first time Betsy had spoken up for someone. Back in middle school, several classmates prided themselves on their ability to bring a particular teacher to tears by making nasty comments and refusing to cooperate with her. Betsy lamented the cruelty she witnessed but she didn’t know how to help or what to do.
On the one hand, she was bothered by the bullying she saw – enough to report it to me and consider whether she could intervene. On the other hand, a 13-year-old girl who stands up and shames her peers for teasing a teacher is a hopeless geek. She was savvy enough to appreciate what this tactic would say about her.
Still, that was the approach I encouraged her to take. “Look,” I said, “you can sit there and watch those kids, and you can think it’s terrible, but if you don’t speak up, you’re no better than they are.” She agreed with my logic, but that didn’t mean she was convinced.
Then one day she couldn’t tolerate it any longer. She said to the whole class, “I can’t believe how disrespectful and rude you guys are. This is an adult and it is really inappropriate to tease her and talk back.” Even the teacher was shocked.
Just as she figured, taking a stand solidified her place in the Geek Hall of Fame. Not only was she a notorious teacher’s pet, she was a teacher’s pet whose motives were pure – she wasn’t just sucking up to get a good grade.
By the time she reached high school, Betsy’s reputation as an outspoken geek had preceded her but she didn’t mind. She had discovered it felt good to do the right thing, like speak up when someone gets hurt at the hands of a bully, even if her tirades didn’t change things much.
Then again, standing up in French class to defend her friend Sarah somehow came across as pretty cool, even to the popular crowd. In my book, though, what's important is that Betsy speaks up even when nobody thinks it’s cool but her.